Tammin Sursok has written about what it was like to be diagnosed with post-partum anxiety. Picture: Tammin Sursok

I SAT on the uninviting, stark doctor’s bed, hunched over in fear.

Fear that I wouldn’t be able to get out of the dreamlike state of detachment. Fear that I wouldn’t realise my potential as the mother I knew I could be, fear that my life would forever be that of a never-ending slow motion horror film.

Feeling nothing, I was numb, and yet feeling everything, like an electric fire through my spine. I remember looking at my hands, the hands that wiped my daughter’s tears and held her unformed head, and they didn’t feel like they were a part of my body. Like I was watching.

Watching a life outside myself, never really hinged to the earth. I remember not being able to swallow. Not being able to eat. Not being able to cry. Not being able to breathe. Just not being “able”.

Then I heard those words “You have post-partum anxiety”.

I remember that day. Even in my detachment from my newly formless world I remember it so vividly that it burns bright in technicolor.

“Mum, I need help.” I faintly whispered that morning. “I can’t do this anymore.”

I’ve never really asked for help. I spent my life trying to pave my own road like a relentless, tunnel-vision warrior, reframing every painful experience into that of a positive one. But then again I’ve never really suffered so much that it broke me. Suffered so much that I felt like my entire body was made of glass and a mere touch would create hairline fractures that would slowly break, like pieces of a puzzle, and take my soul away with it.

“We will get you help,” my mum said earnestly. “We will get you better.”

Tammin Sursok with her newborn daughter. Picture: Tammin Sursok
Tammin Sursok with her newborn daughter. Picture: Tammin Sursok

So here I was. Diagnosed. Sitting in the doctor’s room, instead of celebrating my magnificent newborn and the rebirth of myself as a mother.

Now what? After six months of trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me, trying to boil it down to “just hormones” and “just sleep…

Mayra Rodriguez
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Mayra Rodriguez

Content Editor at oneQube
Work from home mom dedicated to my family. Total foodie trying new recipes.Love hunting for the best deals online. Wannabe style fashionista. As content editor, I get to do what I love everyday. Tweet, share and promote the best content our tools find on a daily basis.
Mayra Rodriguez
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